Addiction and the betrayal trauma it creates can cause a relationship to deteriorate rapidly. When you are attempting reconciliation and relationship recovery, it can be hard to see the big picture. The pain and heartbreak create a divide in the relationship. Many couples struggle with periods of feeling stuck in dysfunctional dynamics even when addictive acting out behaviors are no longer happening. It can help to create some perspective and see what is happening as part of a larger cycle and pattern instead of getting stuck in the details of the current situation or problem in communication. Here are a few tips to develop perspective and navigate these difficult seasons in relationships.
Get educated
Read books, listen to podcasts, work with a professional and through doing this you can learn what to expect and also gain some insight into what your partner may be going through from their perspective of the issue. Learning more about trauma and addictions will allow you to make sense out of what you are experiencing. You will also be able to learn about communication skills and dysfunctional patterns in relationships so you can assess where your own interactions are at and if they are helping or hurting the situation.
Journal
This may feel like a cliché answer, but I promise it's not. Doing this helps to remember what is really going on and what has happened. It's easy to get caught up in the most recent event and forget larger patterns. Also, when something that was once a new skill becomes a normal habit we can occasionally forget what life was like or how strongly we struggled before we had the skill.
Intentionally seek to identify growth
It can be really beneficial to identify positive strengths on a regular basis. When facing a frustrating or really difficult season, I often invite my clients to ask themselves “How would I have handled this…?” And then I have them fill in a timeframe. 2 weeks ago, 6 months ago, a year ago, etc. When we intentionally look at our past patterns as individuals and in the relationship, we gain greater perspective.
Seek wise counsel
Once you have done your work of seeking to see growth and identify what is happening on a larger scale or what patterns exist, check in with someone you trust to see how they view the situation. This provides another lens and can help you to feel more confident in your self assessment. Be sure to choose a support person who will not tell you what you want to hear, but will instead try to give an objective perspective. This is where working with a therapist or attending support groups can be of major benefit.
Develop a plan
Seeing growth or strengths is not the end point, next we develop a plan. If in the answer to the question of how you would have handled this a given timeframe ago is an answer showing healthy growth, then we focus on goals to maintain that growth and positivity. If the answer is that it isn't a point of progress or there is movement backwards, then with grace and compassion we look at why that might be happening and build a plan to move forward in a healthier manner.
These are not the only ways to gain perspective, but are a great start when you don't know where else to begin. There are times in life with circumstances that are largely out of our control. Sometimes it is simply not in our power to improve a situation. But by working to build perspective, we have a more accurate understanding of what is and is not within our control and what to do about it.
Are you looking for help with your relational issues? Contact us to schedule an appointment with a therapist.
Call us: 616-284-1329 Email us: echivis@mariposacounselingllc.com
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